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KASHRUS LINKS
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Charlize Theron reveals Jewish ties Many members of the Jewish community are still skeptical about her Jewish ties. Said Rabbi Flungliver, "I've been looking for good, silk ties with Jewish stars on them without success. All I could find were polyester. This must be a publicity stunt." United Nations officially recognizes
all terrorists groups Secretary General Kofi Annan said, "This is a great day for world peace. The scourge of world terrorism has reached an end. Now every fringe group and murderous clan will be free to rule their own societies." This declaration includes the following groups: The Popular Front for the Liberation of Texas (PFLT), The Marxist Brigade of Maine (MBM), The Revolutionary Army to Free California (RAFC), The Solomon Schechter High School of Long Island (SSHSLI), The Belgium Defense League (BDL), and finally, the Swiss Army (SA) who said in a quote, "We just want to use our knives on someone. It's been 400 years since we've stabbed ANYONE." New Orleans levees to be reinforced
with leftover Cholent Leftover cholent is not new to the Army Corps of Engineers. Said Colonel Rick Spoonbender, "We find cholent an excellent binding material due to its incredible density. It's amazing people can actually digest this stuff. We first used it to reverse the flow of the Chicago river in 1891 and have been using it ever since. It's the only material that gets denser as time goes on." Palestinian non-violence advocate
beats himself to death, PA reports Witnesses from Islamic Jihad say they tried to stop him, but “he was so furious with himself for giving up the struggle to kill Jews in a violent and cruel manner, we just couldn’t stop him.” When asked how Katavti could have repeatedly bludgeoned himself in the back, Islamic Jihad offered to show our reporter just how easy it could happen. The interview then ended promptly. Headlines from the Goyish Velt Chunk of polar icecap floating in the Potomac not evidence of global warming, says President Bush. North Korea demands cease-fire from Hezbollah -- "You're stealing our media coverage!" Tibet still brutally abused by Chinese government, no one cares.
"Violating the ban on the Internet since 1995" |
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PESACH COUNTDOWN
Matot-Massei
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****** 599: Last Jewish candle merchant leaves western Europe- Dark Ages begin. 946: Sephardic Gaon writes a letter to an Ashkenazi Rabbi “your Hebrew is awful, but you may be right.” Within 10 years, Sephardim will start to ignore their own gedolim and start wearing black hats. 1556: Jewish merchants help translate Greek philosophic works from Arabic to Latin, allowing for renaissance to start. Sadly, they did not copyright their work. 1862: Judah P. Benjamin becomes secretary of state for the Confederate States, giving every anti-Semitic lunatic grounds for claiming American Jews ran the pre- Civil war slave trade (of course we didn’t!) 1882: Karl Marx kicked out of Hebrew School by grandfather, vows to create his own school 1907: Reuben Sandwich (corned beef, swiss, kraut- oy, how can you do that to kraut?) invented 1934: Irving Berlin davens Musaf for last time, immediately beings working on Christmas songs. 1969: Osem foods invents Bisli snacks, and exports 1976: Partially Hydrogenated Fats first used in foods (this isn’t strictly Jewish, but we could have been using schmaltz all these years instead of margarine). 1998: Check written for $10,000 goes to establish first “Beis Moshiach” instead of food pantry.
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HOLLYWOOD,
CA -- Actress Charlize Theron, age 31, revealed in a news conference in
New York that she has long-hidden Jewish ties. “They come from my
father’s side of the family,” she noted. Her father, John Voight, seems
to have given Theron the ties in 2004, but she decided not to reveal
these ties to the public. “I have this silk one with Jewish stars all
over them, and this one seems to have a bunch of dancing Rabbis of some
kind.” Although this blonde beauty is not a
Jew at all, this announcement lends hope to all Yeshiva boys
everywhere that their longing for Theron is not completely forbidden.